Birthplace of Rock N Roll

CANEBRAKE BARBIE She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. LAUREL BARBIE This Spanish speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Dodge Caravan with expired temporary tags and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a Sanderson Farms uniform. Optional Green Cards available only on the black market. OAK GROVE BARBIE This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with ford Windstar minivan and matching wind suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. OAK GROVE BARBIE (who sends her kids to PCS) This up-scale yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, platinum MasterCard and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. Sorry, but you won’t be able to afford any of them. BROOKLYN BARBIE This model comes dressed in Wrangler jeans two-sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over five feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she’s drunk. Purchase her pick-up truck and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. PERRY COUNTY BARBIE This Barbie comes with a double-wide deep in the woods, a Chevy with tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. Optional Beaumont Booger Ken sold separately. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably in small, untraceable bills)…unless you’re a cop, then we don’t know what you’re talking about. PETAL BARBIE All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old Petal High School megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. at Panther games. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch and Petal Band Parent bumpersticker. MAMIE STREET BARBIE This Barbie comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. Gangsta Ken and his ’79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. HISTORIC HATTIESBURG DOWNTOWN ASSOCIATON BARBIE This collagen-injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo. LUMBERTON BARBIE This Barbie comes only with the clothes on her back and an empty purse. She constantly complains about how broke she is. In-denial Alderman Ken sold separately.

...Your friends refer to you as "Biggie" and "Tupac." ...These days, you can barely muster the energy to punch each other. ...You finish each other's silences. ...You're making it work for the sake of her stuffed animals. ...His last name is Montague-McCoy; yours is Capulet-Hatfield. ...She keeps accidentally stabbing you. ...Your respective Christmas stockings say "Whore" and "Let's End This Charade Frank." ...she makes vague, ominous remarks like, "I'm leaving for my sister's house on Tuesday and never coming back." ...Lifetime has optioned the movie rights to your relationship. ...Your family crest features a cock fight. ...After every argument, he says, "I wouldn't have to put up with this if we were in the Taliban." ...You've been nostalgic lately for your childhood in the killing fields of Cambodia. ...She's a mannequin, and you're the only one who's ever seen her come to life. ...The police rent the house next door so it's easier to respond to your domestic disturbances.

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 3. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop. 4. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. And you’d better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time. And by the way, the “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 5. Every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 6. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re not impressed. Up in the Delta they have $250,000 cotton pickers that are driven only three weeks a year. 7. We open doors for women. That applies to all women, regardless of age. 8. No, there’s no “vegetarian special” on the menu. Order a steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. 9. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper and Tabasco sauce. 10. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines, than any other state, so don’t mess with us. If you do, you’ll get whipped by the best! 11. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish. 12. College and high school football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch! 13. Colleges? Try Mississippi State, Ole Miss or Southern Miss. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country…plus they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

Hey, just because we’re grown-ups doesn’t mean we can’t have a good time on Halloween. We’ve got a few suggestions how you, too, can have fun…especially when the Trick-Or-Treaters come to your door. • Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.) • Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused. • Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door. • Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party. • Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound. • After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill. • Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away. • When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!" • When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away. • Demand that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy. • Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list. • Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house. • Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar. • Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter. • Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay. • Answer the door with a mouthful of M&M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. • Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy. • Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin. • Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 6. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. 7. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

~ In Baltimore, Maryland, it's illegal to take a lion to the movies. ~ In Oxford, Ohio, it's unlawful for a woman to appear in public while unshaven. This includes legs and face. ~ In the fine state of Nebraska, it is not legal for a tavern owner to serve beer unless a nice kettle of soup is also brewing. ~ An Illinois state law requires that a man's female companion shall call him "master" while out on a date. This law does not apply to married couples. ~ In Zion, Illinois, it is illegal for anyone to give cats, dogs or other domesticated animals a lighted cigar. ~ In Ocean City, New York, it's illegal for men to go topless in the center of town. ~ In Brandon, Mississippi, it's against the law to attempt to stop someone from walking down the sidewalk by parking a motor home in their path. ~ In New Hampshire, you cannot sell clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt. ~ In Montana, it's illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a chaperone.

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission." A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2." A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language." A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house." A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."

1. See any movie with elves, mutants, wookies, or other nonhuman characters on opening night. 2. Use more than one exclamation point in a row. 3. Flash the hang-loose hand sign, even if he is actually hanging loose. 4. Get news from Kurt Loder. 5. Wake up on his neighbor's lawn, minus his pants, again. 6. Instant-message. 7. Wear ironic baseball caps (John Deere, CAT) unless he actually operates heavy machinery for money. 8. Camp at a rock concert. 9. Eat cereal endorsed by a cartoon character. 10. Yell “Run, Forrest, run!” at someone in the airport trying to catch his plane. 11. Turn underwear inside out and wear them for two more days. 12. Bring his mitt to a professional baseball game. 13. Use sports metaphors for sex. 14. Use sex metaphors for sports. 15. Drink beer out of a helmet. 16. Let a magazine tell him he’s too old to do dumb stuff.

Never let it be said that airline ground crews lack a sense of humor. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheet before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints and solutions: PROBLEM: Suspect crack in windshield. SOLUTION: Suspect you're right. PROBLEM: Something loose in cockpit. SOLUTION: Somthing tightened in cockpit. PROBLEM: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. SOLUTION: Evidence removed. PROBLEM: DME volume unbelievably loud. SOLUTION: DME volume set to more believable level. PROBLEM: I-F-F inoperative. SOLUTION: I-F-F always inoperative in O-F-F mode. PROBLEM: Aircraft handles funny. SOLUTION: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. PROBLEM: Target radar hums. SOLUTION: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. PROBLEM: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. SOLUTION: Took hammer away from midget.