CAN ALLIGATORS CLIMB TREES?
Flyin' Bryan asked the great philosophical question of our time. We debated amongst ourselves. You added your thoughts. We posed this quandry to biologists in both Mississippi and Louisiana. And the concensus?
No, alligators CAN'T climb trees.
Then how do you explain the above photo?
Ladies – before you go and get some ink done, here’s some things to consider about what your body art might be saying about you. Now before we get started, just remember – tattoos are reverse time machines: with time travel you can send a warning back to your younger self, with tattoos you send a mistake forward to your older self.
That being said, let’s begin with your head. A tat here more often than not indicates that you will never have a job that pays taxes.
Now, if your ink is on your hands or the front of your neck, you actually may cost taxes; what with the prison and all.
Okay, let’s move to the small of your back. Ladies, it’s called a ‘tramp stamp’ for a reason. Any ink here certainly sends the message that “yes, buying me a drink will totally work.”
Most women getting ink done for the first time tend to have a tat on their ankle area. The message? “I’m a cute little princess – and now I have real tattoo accessory!”
A growing trend is to have some ink done in a very private area (if you know what I mean). Just remember that people generally like to show off their tattoos. Now, you can draw your own conclusions here, but you might want to keep your local clinic on speed dial.
Probably the most risky area for women to get body art done is on their belly or breasts. This can be really dangerous for the simple fact that tattoos here will become humiliating 500% faster than normal.
Finally, here are three more things to remember about body art:
- Tattoos theoretically could be thoughtful additions to your appearance. Unfortunately there are thousands of tattoo parlors (many open 24 hours) and people just don't have that many thoughts. So most are stupid.
- ‘Tattoos are permanent. Your motivation/blood-alcohol level is not.
- Tattoos are an excellent way to turn a single drunken decision into a lifetime of disfigurement and regret, which normally requires a car. Tattoos are associated with criminal gangs, the armed forces, and whiny white teenagers desperate for attention. Attempts to get all three to attend a common "Tattoo Conference" have unfortunately failed.
According to research into men and their dogs, Men’s Health magazine reports:
- One man in three owns a dog.
- The average guy's favorite breed is Labrador.
- He usually names the dog Max or Maggie, depending on gender.
- Sixty-four percent let their dogs lick their faces.
- The average guy bathes his dog once a year.
- In his lifetime, he will own two dogs.
- Amount of money he'll spend on both of them (food, vet bills and training): $12,046.
- Seventy-one percent of men think their dogs can understand them on some telepathic level.
- Ninety percent consider their dogs part of the family.
- Top tricks he wishes his dog could learn: Pick up cute women for him; pick up beer at the store; pick up its own poop.
Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.
Stephen King's The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.
Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.
Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.
If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.
Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.
Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.
Strenuous exercise can lead to heat exhaustion. If you must have sex, let your partner do all the work.
Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air-conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.
Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers and wig in the freezer when not in use.
Keep cool with delicious Blue Bell-brand frozen ice-cream treats.
If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or "black hole."
Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap head in tinfoil.
Avoid "hot" programming like Cinemax After Dark.
Lose some weight, you frickin’ walrus.