Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.
Stephen King's The Tommyknockers will chill you to the very bone.
Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.
Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.
If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.
Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.
Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.
Strenuous exercise can lead to heat exhaustion. If you must have sex, let your partner do all the work.
Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air-conditioner use. Run your air conditioner at full blast until you brown out the entire region.
Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers and wig in the freezer when not in use.
Keep cool with delicious Blue Bell-brand frozen ice-cream treats.
If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or "black hole."
Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap head in tinfoil.
Avoid "hot" programming like Cinemax After Dark.
Lose some weight, you frickin’ walrus.